Firstly, it's important to recognize that not knowing how to respond when someone shares their gender identity with you is perfectly fine, and seeking guidance shows a desire to respond appropriately.
Having feelings about this revelation is also natural. While it may seem incorrect to have an emotional response, these feelings serve as indicators that something significant is occurring within us. However, it would be inappropriate to project these feelings onto the friend or loved one who has confided in you. Feeling uncomfortable is not inherently problematic; it often signifies that you're navigating unfamiliar territory or experiencing a shift in perspective.
So what do I do now? Well you are doing it already actually, by educating yourself and not putting the burden on them to teach you, you are doing great. Here's just a few things you will be able to learn from this alone.
So yeah... that's quite a lot isn't it? But don't worry, I'm here to help you through this, and I am available for you to reach out if you have any questions. You also don't have to learn it all now, it's a journey of understanding and I've spent years being friends with, working with and sup[porting all people of the LGBTQ+ community, as well as questioning my own identity more than once, as well as researching and reading. You don't need to know everything, you just need to be kind and open. But if you do want to know more, here we go.
What is Trans?
Much as the term 'queer' is frequently used as a collective term for members of the LGBTQIA+ community, while 'trans' describes individuals whose gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth. Commonly, this includes transgender men and women, but it also encompasses non-binary people and those who identify elsewhere on the gender spectrum, such as those who are genderfluid or genderqueer.
So what is non-binary?
Non-binary, also known as enby or nb, refers to individuals who do not exclusively identify with the traditional categories of male or female. They exist outside of this binary framework. Non-binary individuals may embody a combination of both male and female traits, neither, or their expression may fluctuate.
What does it mean to be an Ally?
An ally is a person who supports a community without necessarily being a part of it. This term is commonly associated with the queer community but also applies to other marginalised groups, such as the disabled or black communities. Allyship is crucial for these communities as it fosters broader equality and support. Being an ally involves more than mere acceptance; it entails a proactive desire to understand their experiences and to stand in solidarity against injustice. In the context of the trans community, there has been a significant rise in violence against them, fuelled largely by political rhetoric. Furthermore, developments like the Cass report, which dismissed evidence from the majority of studies to support specific narratives, policies that bar discussions of gender identity in schools, and an emergency bill halting gender-affirming care for minors underscore the increased importance of allyship in the UK.
Well, What are pronouns?
A pronoun is a word that substitutes for the proper name of a person or object to avoid repetition. Imagine constantly repeating someone's name in a conversation: "I went to see Karl, and Karl has Karl's birthday on Karl's wedding anniversary. Karl finds this annoying because Karl wants to celebrate Karl's birthday without also celebrating Karl's wedding anniversary." That would be cumbersome, wouldn't it? Once you've mentioned their name, you don't need to repeat it because it's understood they are the subject.
In English, there are gendered pronouns like he, him, she, and her; neutral ones like they, them, I, me, and you; and objective ones like it. There might be more nuanced explanations, but I'm not an English teacher.
The use of singular 'they' has sparked debate. It's sensible for several reasons. We already use it when someone's gender is unknown, as in: "Timmy's teacher sent a letter, and they want a meeting." Since we don't know the teacher's gender, 'they' is used. Moreover, 'they' as a singular pronoun has been accepted since the mid-14th century. It's grammatically correct, but most importantly, using 'they/them' pronouns when someone indicates that's their preference, is a matter of respect for their identity.
Then how do I know someone's pronouns or gender?
The simple answer is you can ask them, but if you don't know, then you may not need to know. Most trans or non-binary people will appreciate you asking their preferred pronouns. This may feel unnatural to you at first, but it really is a great way to help make a connection with somebody and soon becomes a natural part of conversation. If you feel uncomfortable outright asking someone for their pronouns, introduce yourself first. "Hi, I'm Kevyn and I use he/they pronouns." This then offers them the opportunity to reciprocate with their preferred pronouns. What you don't do is go up to someone and just ask them "are you a man or a woman?" That... well that would be rude and rather interrogative. If you do want to ask, then just say simply "What pronouns do you prefer?"
Please do be aware that pronoun can shift, some people are gender fluid so their identity may change, other people may feel the need to know and trust someone before sharing their identity and stick to the assigned gender until they get to know you, and others may still be on a journey of discovering who they are. All are valid and should be respected and remember that some people may not feel safe to share with anyone else, so if someone does share their pronouns or gender identity with you, particularly someone close to you, it is okay to respectfully check if that's how they would want to be publicly known. Revealing one's gender identity is part of the transition process for a transgender person. And if you are ever in doubt, using they or them is a simple and inoffensive option until you are certain.
How do I ask about someone's transition?
It's commendable that you're showing interest, but it's best to avoid asking about their transition unless they initiate the conversation. Transitioning is a deeply personal journey, unique to each individual, and inquiring about it can be invasive, akin to asking personal details about their body. Transitioning isn't just about surgery; it encompasses various dimensions:
Social Transition: This involves adopting their chosen pronouns publicly, and may include changes in dress, hairstyle, or makeup. However, it could simply mean using their chosen name instead of their deadname (You can see more about deadnames further down).
Legal Transition: This refers to updating names on legal documents, like marriage certificates, and obtaining a Gender Recognition Certificate (GRC). Some countries are moving towards self-identification for these documents. For instance, Scotland attempted to implement this, but it was blocked by the Westminster Government, which requires a medical diagnosis of gender dysphoria, contributing to longer wait times for medical support for transgender individuals.
Medical Transition: This can include hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and/or surgeries. The NHS waiting lists are growing, now exceeding six years. While private options exist, they often require a diagnosis of gender dysphoria and can be prohibitively expensive.
To support someone in their transition, it's not necessary to ask about these details. Instead, focus on offering understanding and respect for their process.
What if someone comes out to me?
When someone confides in you that they are transgender or non-binary, it's a significant moment of trust. Even if you're not the first to know, they're choosing to share their authentic self with you. Your reaction doesn't have to be specific, but it's kind to thank them for their openness. Show your support and reassure them of your continued care. It's also crucial to ask how they prefer to be addressed, including their chosen name and pronouns. Confirm with them who else knows and whether they're comfortable with you acknowledging their identity to others. For some, this might be a moment of celebration and openness, while for others, it's a private step. Be mindful that their safety in their family, living, or work environment may not allow them to be open with everyone.
Offer your support and inquire if they need anything from you. Encourage them to share their experiences with their identity, but avoid overwhelming them with questions that could easily be answered with a simple online search. The goal is to provide support, not an interrogation.
Will this change our relationship?
Honestly, maybe. It can be incredibly challenging to come out as trans or non-binary. During this journey, they might encounter experiences they wish to share, which might not seem significant to cisgender individuals. Consequently, they might seek support and understanding from queer or trans communities. This isn't a reflection on you; it's that society often doesn't provide a sense of safety for trans individuals in many aspects, making it crucial for them to find safe spaces. This need for safety can lead some trans individuals to spend more time at home, avoiding public spaces where they feel they must conceal their true selves. Concerns about basic safety, such as using the toilet while out, can dominate their thoughts.
You can offer support by letting them know you're there for them and willing to visit them if that's more comfortable, just remember not to overwhelm them.
What if I make a mistake?
Being human means making mistakes, but the key is not to act with malice and to learn from these errors. When you mistakenly use the wrong name or pronoun, it's natural to feel embarrassed or guilty, and the other person may appear annoyed. However, it's important to acknowledge the mistake and move on. Keep in mind that if they seem irritated, they might have experienced misgendering or deadnaming before, and your mistake could be contributing to their frustration. To avoid repeating errors, practice is essential. For someone you've known a long time, changing established thought patterns takes effort. Privately rehearse by reminding yourself, "I'm going to see Bo and I'm excited to see them. They will meet me and share about their new job." The more you practice, the more naturally it will come to you.
What if I know their deadname?
A deadname refers to the name a person was known by prior to coming out. While knowing this name is acceptable, it's inappropriate to address them by it or share it with others, even if they might already be aware of it. This name may be associated with past traumas and does not reflect their true identity. For instance, Elliot Page should not be addressed by his deadname, despite its previous public use. Using a person's deadname is unnecessary and shows a lack of respect towards them.
People keep saying offensive things, making jokes or derogatory comments. What do I do?
Hearing hurtful comments about others, especially marginalised communities, can be challenging and may reinforce negative stereotypes. It's important to discern whether such remarks stem from malice or ignorance. Often, individuals may not realise the impact of their words, and this presents an opportunity to educate them on why certain expressions are harmful. Language evolves, and it's possible to unknowingly use offensive language. A discreet conversation could be beneficial in such cases.
However, if the comments are rooted in bigotry or intended to harm, it's still possible to intervene and provide education. Being an ally means not tolerating harmful behaviour. Yet, caution is advised; never compromise your safety to support others. If the situation seems dangerous, or if there's a risk of physical harm and you're unsure of what to do, it's best to contact the authorities.
Why do trans and non-binary people seem to have greater numbers of mental health difficulties?
It's a valid question. There are several factors at play here. Mental health issues often stem from anxiety, fear, sadness, isolation, and past traumas. For LGBTQ+ individuals, these emotions can be nearly constant due to societal pressures. They may feel alienated from certain social circles or activities, struggle with fitting in, worry about future acceptance, fear for their safety in public spaces, and be affected by the current political atmosphere. Experiences of bullying and discrimination as a member of the LGBTQ+ community can also take a cumulative toll. Additionally, concealing one's identity can make self-understanding quite difficult. These are just some of the challenges faced, all revolving around the core need for safety and acceptance of one's identity.
Where can I find more support?
This is a good question, as just googling can be overwhelming, but you can find a lot of resources that may help here Signposting | Hedgehog Counselling
Also, if you can't find what you are looking for, please reach out, and I am happy to help you find the support, resource or information you need.
What if this has made me questions my own identity?
This is a personal journey, and I'm not here to define its meaning for you, as it may simply indicate a different perspective on the division of genders and their roles within society. For some, this may bring a sense of freedom, realising that their preferences, choices, and identity need not be limited by societal norms. For others, it might be perplexing, leading to further questions, and for some, it could be quite daunting if it resonates with aspects of themselves they felt unsafe to express in childhood. These are just a few of the numerous potential experiences. My advice is to take time to contemplate what you're questioning and to remember that gender and sexuality are distinct concepts that aren't necessarily connected. Most importantly, discuss these thoughts with someone trustworthy, whether that's a friend, a family member, or a professional like a counsellor.
What if I have difficult feelings about trans identity?
A multitude of emotions can surround the topic of transgender identities, whether you are transgender, know someone who is, or are just beginning to understand it. Challenges often stem from fear—concerns about perception and judgment, how to communicate with others, and the overall impact on one's life.
There can also be feelings of embarrassment or shame, anger and a sense of injustice, but hope and optimism, pride and satisfaction are equally possible. It's crucial to recognise and address these emotions. If you find it difficult, reaching out to the trans community for support or seeking guidance on your personal journey, be it educational, therapeutic, or another path, is highly recommended.
When learning more, how do I know what is true and factual?
Asking the right questions is crucial when learning about any subject.
Firstly, approach learning with an open mind, ready to have your ideas or beliefs challenged.
Secondly, seek information from recognised experts in the field, and verify that their facts or figures come from cited studies. Be cautious of cyclical citations, where articles may reference each other without a traceable original source. For a comprehensive understanding of a topic, consider looking into "meta-analysis," which compares various studies to provide an overview of what is generally accepted by the scientific community.
Finally, don't shy away from discussions, even on contentious topics like trans rights, as they are important conversations that affect many lives.
Whenever in doubt, adopt a stance of compassion and empathy. While it's difficult to undo damage and trauma, starting from a place of support allows you to uplift others and continue learning.
So now you may know a little more, and hopefully this has helped. But if you find you have more questions or this has raised some difficult feelings in you, then please do reach out. I am happy to talk to you.
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