Can Messy Hands Still Hold You - Being a counsellor and a human all at once

I’m Only Human – Reflections on Being a Counsellor Who’s Been Through It

Recently, I posted something that was about me. The comments were a mix, and while some turned unkind (and were removed, particularly as they began to impact others), one stood out to me. The person asked, and I’m paraphrasing, “If you’ve been such a mess, how can you possibly counsel other people?”

It’s a fair question, and one I think deserves a thoughtful answer.

How do you know whether a counsellor or therapist is truly capable of holding space for your pain, fears, or trauma? How do you trust that someone who’s still living through their own challenges can be strong enough to help you navigate yours?

Let’s take a moment to unpack that.

Only Human

The first, and perhaps most important thing to remember, is that counsellors are human beings. We are not born into perfectly curated lives that prepare us for this work. We don’t come from some utopian society, à la Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, designed for emotional equilibrium. We are people, people who have experienced life, including its messiness, its heartbreaks, and its lessons.

And often, it is exactly those lived experiences that inspire us to train as therapists and support others.

Carl Jung, the famed Swiss psychiatrist, introduced the concept of the wounded healer, a term rooted in ancient Greek mythology. Jung believed that those who have been wounded themselves can offer a deeper level of empathy, patience, and presence. It’s not the absence of pain that qualifies a therapist, sometimes, it’s the very presence of it, processed and integrated, that allows us to truly connect and help others heal.

How Do Counsellors Manage Their Own Stuff?

If therapists are, by their nature, imperfect and still evolving, then how do we manage the emotional weight of others’ experiences?

Well, it begins with rigorous training. Speaking from the UK context, I trained for four years before becoming qualified, and that’s just the beginning. Ongoing professional development (CPD), supervision, and ethical standards are all non-negotiable parts of the journey.

But beyond the academic and technical training, a huge part of becoming a counsellor is self-development. Many of us enter the field having been in therapy ourselves, and most good training programmes require consistent personal therapy throughout the course. We’re encouraged, and expected, to explore our own stories, biases, histories, and wounds.

During our training, we confront difficult truths: our privileges, our blind spots, and our emotional patterns. We learn to sit with discomfort. We build resilience not by ignoring our pain, but by learning to hold it, just as we one day hold space for others.

Part of our work is also developing the capacity to notice when a client’s story resonates with our own, and to stay focused on them. That kind of self-awareness is crucial. We learn to distinguish what belongs to us and what belongs to the client. And when the lines blur, as they sometimes do, we have supervision, a professional, structured space where we reflect on our work and ensure we’re maintaining ethical, safe, and effective practice.

And yes, we still go through things. Life doesn’t stop happening to therapists. But we’re trained to seek support, to process responsibly, and to recognise when we may need to pause or step back.

How Can You Tell If a Counsellor Is the Right One?

It’s a great, and necessary, question.

You have every right to ask about your counsellor’s training, qualifications, and experience. A good therapist should be transparent about their background and the ongoing work they do to remain ethical and effective. You can also check whether they’re registered with professional bodies such as the BACP, NCPS, or UKCP, these memberships typically require evidence of substantial training and a commitment to codes of ethics and supervision.

You’re also encouraged to ask questions about how they work. Do they have regular supervision? How do they take care of themselves so they can be present for you? A counsellor should be able to answer these openly and without defensiveness.

Final Thoughts

Being a counsellor doesn’t mean having all the answers or being completely healed. It means being committed to the work, both the work we do with others and the work we continue doing within ourselves.

So yes, I’ve had my messy moments. I’ve fallen apart and rebuilt, more than once. But perhaps that’s what makes me capable of sitting with others in their mess — not despite my history, but because of it.

We're only human.