I decided to write this as I personally know that finding a counsellor that’s right for you can feel like a daunting task. I am always aware of the nerves that are present when I speak to a possible client for the first time, and even within our first session. Reaching out to a complete stranger, because you liked how they described themselves, or they have certain areas of expertise you were looking for, or perhaps, you just liked their picture on their profile; it’s nerve-wracking. You don’t know what to expect or what they are actually going to be like and for some there is a fear that I am going to have to spill all my secrets to this person, they are going to be judging me or analysing me and I may not even like them. What if I’m stuck with them? What if they don’t like me? What if I have more problems than I thought? What if I don’t need counselling and they laugh at me… the spiral can go on. Well… There is a lot that goes into it. But hopefully I can ease some of your fears and worries here.
We all had counselling.
Reputable counsellors and therapists will have had years of training and will continue with it throughout their profession career. It’s also quite widely acknowledged that the more reputable training academies that qualify counsellors also require a minimum amount of personal therapy along side the training too. With that, most therapists you speak too will have experienced years of being the client before receiving their qualification.
Each therapist’s experience with personal therapy will be different, but we will all have been in the position, often multiple times, of reaching out to potential therapists. We have felt the trepidation of finding the right person and have spent many hours looking through various directories. Trust me when I say, we understand that this can often be one of the hardest steps.
We know you likely picked us based on picture and that’s fine.
Part of searching for therapists, unless you have specifically had someone recommended to you, or have found them through their personal website, is looking through counsellors profiles. In some ways it is a little like a dating website in the way you scroll through people looking for one to match your needs. Well, the first thing that sticks out will always been the picture. This isn’t to say that we don’t look deeper afterwards to see that they match what we are looking for, but the first impression is going to be that of the picture.
This can be as challenging for the therapist as it can for the client. It’s no secret that in the UK, the majority of counsellors fit a particular demographic. Female presenting, 30’s to 60’s, and often white. So, for a lot of profiles, they can look somewhat similar. However, when people think of counselling and the sort of person they are looking for, that is also the kind of expectation. Think of popular media and the presentation of therapists. Sex Education, Big Bang Theory, Lucifer and many more, the experienced therapist is often portrayed in this fashion.
As a counsellor I wrestled with what I should look like, should I present a certain way or show something in particular. Ultimately, the most important thing is showing who we really are. For me at least, it’s not about how many clients I can work with, but making sure the ones who reach out to me, have an idea of who I am, so they can make an informed choice as to whether I am the right person for them. Honestly, I have bright blue hair, it’s a part of who I am, and for some people, my hair puts them off, for others it makes them more confident that I am right to work with them.
There is nothing wrong with speaking to more than one.
A profile can tell you some stuff about a potential therapist. What they work with, their training, an area of expertise, availability, price and any membership bodies that they work with. But just as a recipe isn’t a dish, a profile isn’t the counsellor. Though some like to try out some sessions with a counsellor first, others will reach out to multiple counsellors and have initial conversations with them before committing to having any sessions at all. This is great, it’s important to know who you are speaking to, do they speak too softly, do they sound like your ex or parent? These are all important aspects that can affect your therapeutic journey.
Speaking to therapists can also give you a chance to ask questions about how they work. How will they store your details? Do they keep notes and if so, how? Do they understand certain issues that are important to you? Do they have availabilities that work for you?
What I will say, is this can all feel really daunting too, the idea of speaking to multiple people, especially if you’re not 100% certain on what you are looking for. Some people like to just arrange sessions with the first person they contact, which is fine too, and you are still free to change your mind later.
We aren’t offended if you don’t feel we are right for you.
Quite a few counsellors, myself included, will suggest regular reviews of how the work is going. This could take place after the first couple of sessions, the first six, or periodically as feel necessary. This can be helpful as it can feel like there is almost a trial period, where you can try out some sessions and still decide they aren’t the right therapist for you. It can also give you an idea of whether you are working towards certain goals, feel like the therapy is helping or revisit aspects of the initial discussions.
As a counsellor, I will try to adapt how I work to best fit your needs, at least with in the limits of still working professionally with you, so it is important to have these discussions, but even after that, a counsellor may not be the right one for you for any number of reasons. If you feel you can talk to your counsellor about this, then that’s fantastic, they may even be able to suggest colleagues that you may find better for you. Ultimately, the most effective therapy, will have a huge basis on the relationship between client and counsellor.
Relationship is important.
So, you’ve reached out and you may have had an initial discussion with them, or they may work by jumping straight into the first session. But how do I know if this is going to work? For me I always let my clients know that the first session or two is often about getting comfortable. I won’t push you to far or delve too deep with you straight away. This works for some people, as it give a chance for people to know it’s a safe space they can talk freely in, others feel this is too passive, and in a lot of cases, people will come in not sure how the first session is going to go and are shocked when the 50 minutes are up already.
With in counselling, there is a concept called relational depth. This is a two-way thing, where both client and counsellor can trust each other and feel they are able to connect and share honestly. A client who doesn’t feel they can be honest with their counsellor may struggle to tell them if they have something wrong, or they are uncomfortable with a way of working, or to be able to open up in a session. If a counsellor doesn’t feel they can be honest, they may hold back certain things they feel in the session, and not be entirely present. Both can have an impact on the therapy. Most counsellors have spent a lot of time working on what is being congruent, this mean being able to be authentically themselves with a client, but they too are human, which is why they have what is called supervision.
What is supervision?
Supervision is an integral part of a counsellor’s work. It is important that a counsellor engages in regular supervision to ensure they are working to the best of their ability, are aware of any potential difficulties or issues they may be having, to work on things that come up in sessions that affect them, and to adhere to most ethical guidelines. Some people worry that their counsellor will be talking about them in supervision, and I get that, but supervision isn’t about a specific client in general, but how the counsellor is working with them. When I work with my supervisor, everything is kept confidential, and they questions I get asked are more on the lines of how I felt, reacted and what I am working with, than going into any depth of the clients experience.
Counsellors feel nerves too.
Counselling has been a huge part of my life for many years now, as client, as student and as counsellor, and yes, I still get nervous. When a new client reaches out, I do wonder “will I be right for them?” and “Will I be able to work with what they want to bring?” Important questions for any counsellor to be aware of. But also coming into the first session, I care about doing my best, being present for the client and being able to be authentic with them. I care about this as much now as I did with my first ever client and hope it is a product of how much my work matters to me.
I share this because I know you will likely be nervous heading into the first session, maybe even the first couple, and I am there with you. I am also aware how much it can take for you to get here and I feel that privilege of trust that is inherent.
So what do I need to remember?
· Do some research on what you are looking for and make sure that the counsellor/s you are speaking to are able to work in those areas.
· No decision you make is final, you can always change your mind.
· Make sure you are comfortable with how they work, such as how they keep notes etc.
· Have a list of practicalities you need to check such as
o How much they charge
o How long is a session
o Do they work online / in person / over telephone
o What is their cancellation policy
· Make sure who you choose engages in regular supervision
· Counsellor won’t be offended if you don’t feel the relationship is working for you
· It’s ok to be anxious or nervous, it is a big step
· Reach out if you have any questions.
There is probably a lot more that could be said, but the last point stands, you can reach out to any counsellor if you have any questions and if you want to reach out to me, then you can. Kevyn.hedgehog@gmail.com And let me wish you all the best on your journey.
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