Is Queer a Dirty Word?! - The Use of Language within the LGBTQ+ Community and it's impact.

As you may have seen on my website, I refer to myself as a Queer Therapist. I mean this in both the sense the I work with a lot of clients within the LGBTQ+ Community, and that I am part of that community myself. Part of the reason I use this word is ease, but also a sense of inclusivity, with queer being a branching umbrella that encompasses anyone who could consider themselves outside the "Heteronormative" culture. This can include people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, but also those who are non-binary, asexual, aromantic, polyamorous, genderfluid, questioning, intersex, pan, demi, and the list goes on (I will do a post about some of these terms and their meanings etc, in the near future). If I had to describe my own variation of labels to someone, they would fall asleep before we got to the end. Needless to say, we are all very complex beings with out own identities.

You also have to consider that the acronym itself has developed and expanded over the years. LGBT being the one most people from the 90s would remember, and before then, LGB being just one of the terms used. It has since had many new iterations, including LGBT+, LGBTQ+, LGBTQIA+ and the somewhat cumbersome, LGBTQQIAA2S+. One term that has risen in popularity is to be "a member of the Alphabet Mafia", which despite it's somewhat violent connotations, does feel apt, with the hording of letters.

An issue some have with this however is that even with the ever lengthening acronym to try and be as inclusive as possible, it still has the effect of "othering" those not included, leaving some feeling not accepted by a community that knows all to well what persecution due to one's identity can feel like. This is where the term queer comes in, offering, as I mentioned before, an inclusive way of describing anyone. Queer today has adopted the meaning to describe anybody who isn't cisgendered, heterosexual or "traditional" in their relationship configuration, sexuality, gender or identity.

So why is queer hard for some?

The word itself dates back centauries, with it's origins in the odd, the peculiar and the not quite right. This could relate to anything from a set of circumstances, to how someone was feeling. If someone felt unwell, it wouldn't have been amiss to hear them state they felt "a bit queer" without schoolyard titters.

As early as 1894, there are records of the word queer being used to describe same-sex relationships, rapidly becoming synonymous to meaning gay. For decades the word queer was then used both as a self-descriptor and as a derogatory term, with a plethora of mainly gay men referring to themselves a queer. It should be noted that gay white men were likely to have had the privilege of being able to do this without too much backlash compared to other sectors of society, who may have had ableist, racist or sexist discrimination to content with also. The term queer was being used more derogotoritively back in the 60's, and some people of older generations can describe a game of "keep away" where the one with the ball was "the queer", called "smear the queer." The vitriol of the word reach it's zenith in the 80's through the "AIDs crisis" where queer became a damning slur that was extremely derogative. During the crisis, the activist groups such as "Queer Nation" and "ACT UP" also appeared, with the intent of reclaiming the word queer, which had a divisive reception by the LGBTQ+ community, as some felt the appropriation of the word as a positive step and others wanting to disassociate from such a derogatory term.

The word now can have varying impacts depending on the person hearing it. For some it can feel very uncomfortable as it touches on the shame and association of what being queer meant, along with the hurt and trauma they may have suffered because of it. It can feel like a box, or a mark that offers feelings of being less than, less worthy, less valuable and just not enough. For others it feels like an activists call, a sign of defiance, a need to fight against discrimination and has very aggressive feeling associated, again for some this can be very uncomfortable, although for others feel quite affirming. With this, some can feel like they want to disassociate from the word, wanting to free to find peace and comfort away from the word and others feeling drawn to it's ideal. Then there are those who find it a comfort, as it provides a certain level of freedom in exploration. If you describe yourself as gay, there can be, in some cases, a certain level of expectations that come with that. Some gay men, myself included, will have heard someone say either "you don't seem gay." or "I always wanted a gay best friend." offering you a position as a stereotype. Then if someone who described themselves as gay discovers, bisexual or pansexual feelings, for some, this can feel like a betrayal to who they are. The same can be said for gender, describing yourself as male, female, cisgender, transgender, genderfluid, nonbinary and so on concocts certain images of what that is "supposed" to be, and generally these are socially constructed, but the term queer can offer the freedom to explore what they may be without having to label every aspect of yourself. The word queer can be both extremely impactful and almost innocuous in it's use and how you use it has, and the effect it may have on you, or those around you, should be considered.

Queer around the world.

Another challenge of the word queer is that it isn't directly translatable internationally. There are a number of countries where being gay is illegal, in some cases with a death penalty. This can mean that language surrounding queer experience isn't able to safely develop, at least in a public forum. Because of that, it means that those who come to translate don't have the reference to be able to translate terms such as queer. In other cultures, there isn't the encompassing terminology such as queer, often there being words synonymous with gay or homosexual. Does this mean there is less call for it in other cultures and languages? Probably not, but it does show a challenge for some cultures to discuss the concept of identities outside the cisgendered, heterosexual view point.

The impact of someone having limited access to such language can present itself in different ways. For some this may make talking about such subjects and the use of language very uncomfortable due to fear of legal or social retribution, or just because it's deemed taboo, for others it can offer something they didn't have before, giving them a chance to find new ways of describing themselves. This obviously doesn't apply to every language or culture, but there are challenges that can appear across them all, in the form of idioms. An example of a common idiom to describe someone publicly disclosing their identity is "coming out" or "coming out of the closet". This is thought to have originated back in the 50s with a history of coming out to debutant balls, though wasn't widely accepted by gay community until the 60s along with other "secret codes" such as "dropping the mask" and "letting his hair down", both of which have different meanings today. Though some languages say coming out, there are variations there upon within some languages around the world, the Dutch phrase it to "jump out of the closet" and in Filipino you would say that someone "unfurls". There are, of course, going to be some languages where there isn't a directly related word or phrase also.

So how does this play out in therapy?

The role of the counsellor, particularly from the standpoint of my modality, person-centred, is one of unconditional acceptance of the client. To allow them to be heard, understood, and gently challenged where appropriate. To give space to explore any aspect of their life, whether that be familial relations, work stresses, anxieties or identity. The counsellor also has a responsibility to educate themselves on language, culture and potential experience, and though the client will have to guide us in their own experiences, it shouldn't be their responsibility to teach us about cultures, groups and societies beyond how they experience it. For me, I will listen to a client and only use descriptors that they themselves would use. If a client told me they were gay and non-binary, I would use those terms, rather than labelling them queer, as that would be my own perception which may not be theirs. It may help the client for me to ask about the terms they chose to use, what they mean to them and why they use them, as well as if they do have discomfort with or objections to any other terms, but it wouldn't be my place to put a label on them. One therapist describes it brilliantly for me. "If you use the word queer, and your client doesn't, please don't call them queer. It is a very unqueer thing to insist that someone use the word queer if they describe themselves differently" (1). Tilsen went on to describe this as linguistic violence, the act of defiantly using terms to describe someone against their wishes. This can often also play out through misgendering someone, the act of continuously referring to someone as a gender they do not identify with or using their incorrect pronouns, and deadnaming, using a name someone no-longer identifies with or uses, often this occurs through a change in gender identity, but this isn't exclusively the case.

It may be your discomfort with the word queer that motivates you to therapy, wanting to explore that feeling, what it evokes for you and how to work with it when it is being more widely used. On the other hand, you may be at the beginning of your journey of identity exploration and want to explore whether queer is a term that works for you or even already refer to yourself as queer and want to look at what that looks like for you. What does it mean, how is it reflected in your identity. Whether you are or aren't comfortable with the term, therapy should be tailored to you and you shouldn't be forced to work with anything you don't want to or aren't ready to.

Ultimately, the language you use to describe yourself is your own, and you shouldn't have to put up with language being used towards you, or about you, that you are uncomfortable with. With that being said, it can be hard to ask someone to stop, just ask someone who gets misgendered or deadnamed. However, working with that would be a whole other topic. What I would suggest is finding what language works for you, challenge yourself to learn new words and meanings and find out what feels right. You may find out something new about who you are.

(1) - Tilsen, J.B. (2021) ‘What is queer theory?’, in Queering your therapy practice: Queer theory, narrative therapy, and imagining new identities. First. New York, NY, NY: Routledge, pp. 15–15.